Our adoption journey started before John and I even met. At age 19 I went through a bunch of tests whose results pointed to infertility. So yes, I’ve known for a long time that I wouldn’t be able to have children. The true grieving for that actuality didn’t set in until I was married. Before John and I got engaged I was nervous to tell him. I mean, that sort of thing can be a deal breaker for some people. While we were sitting in our favorite spot on his parents’ property, I got up the guts to tell him that if he married me we most likely wouldn’t be able to have biological children. His response was short and simple, “And?” I am everlastingly grateful for that answer, and it makes my heart mushy with love for him.

In some ways we are lucky. We don’t have to get our hopes up every month just to have them crushed. We don’t have to wait and wonder while not knowing if there is a problem. We already know. Our waiting is a different kind.

Since becoming a wife and mother I have mourned the loss of how I thought I was going to have children, the loss of pregnancy moments, and the loss of typical family experiences. I grieve that I won’t ever feel the excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I grieve about not being able to have an ultrasound to see the gender of the baby, or watch the baby grow from a poppyseed to a blueberry to an orange to a watermelon, or feel the baby kick inside. I grieve that I won’t be the first person to hold my children, and that I don’t get to share those first few days of life. Oh, I grieve. However, if it weren’t for adoption, I wouldn’t have my Maya baby. Have you seen how beautiful and amazing she is? I couldn’t have gotten her any other way. And for that I am eternally grateful. I am grateful for adoption.

After getting married we had to wait two years before we could even apply for adoption. The approval process takes 5-6 months with all the paperwork and interviews and such. Once we were approved we waited almost 18 months before we got Maya. When Maya turned one we started the approval process again. Thus far we’ve waited two years. We have come a long way on our journey and we can’t wait to see what’s in store!

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